I think I won the penis lottery.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
