My sheets look like a crime scene.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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