Your face is a jimmy john
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
