the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
