I will die if light touches me.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
