There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
