JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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