I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
