I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
