Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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