just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
