So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I need to calm my uterus...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm bleeding and have questions
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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