just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
