I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
