You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
