"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
