I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
