Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
