The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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