you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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