Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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