Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
