did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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