Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
false alarm, still single
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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