My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
