4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize