dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
