Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
