My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
