Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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