I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
