What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
