3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
