Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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