Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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