I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
