I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
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there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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