Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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