i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
