hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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