You're my little dorito
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
