it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
being pregnant is like rehab
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
