false alarm. still invincible.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
