I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
