do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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