Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just gargled with NyQuil
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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