I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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