There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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