I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize