Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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