Pants 0. Shit 1.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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