Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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