you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
