i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
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