My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
