I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
