maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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